A short, short one.

I have 35 days more on the road to final examination of Final Year. I hope all my energy will be focused on studying and staying happy.

Stressed

Hi

I have exam. but who cares anyway?

I read a post of a medical student who is struggling with depression and it affected me quite a lot actually. Not because I suffered the same condition. But let's face it. I am a skeptic. I don't really get it when people say they are depressed to the point of having panic attacks at the smallest thing. Although I find that the field of psychiatry itself is interesting, dealing with the complexity of human mind, I scoffed a lot during psychiatry classes. Not because I am having the tendency of being an evil and insensitive lot but, just because I do not understand how is it possible for some people to have this overwhelming feeling that is not well under their control.

I admit, we as the"general population" just don't understand. How these kind of minds work. We take it very lightly to what a person feels. Just because a large portion of us are able to overcome our stresses, we forget that a minority of us could not. We are different by all means. The flaw that I think most of us have is that we tend to judge and group ourselves into this same set of thinking.

If I am stressed and I feel good by eating, that does not mean my friend sitting next to me feel the same way too by gorging down on food. If I am bothered by my marks that I got in exams, does not mean that my friend next to me is feeling the same way too. Everybody has a way of coping but we forget that not everybody copes well.

I just hope I am being more empathetic to people around me.

I am under a lot of stress but thankfully, not depressed.

It has been long since I love Fridays.

tomorrow is holiday. hence the love. 

There are times when I just simply think, I am done with politics. I am not going to get to know about anything since most of the things in the news are hurtful and unfair. Sometimes, I just think that to live ignorantly, not knowing of anything that is beyond my reach or, of that which does not affect me directly, is a bless and a pure bliss.

I read something or hear it before, that human beings are capable of pushing all the negatives aside, and still capable of living their day as if they have no worries. Like you know you will be dead somehow, yet you still work and repeat it every single day. Like you know all the bad things going on in the world, yet somehow you manage to wake up the next morning as if nothing really happen.

Darn, my professor's daily ramblings of trying really hard to be philosophical has paid off I think. He told us every single day, that we need to think. varicose veins are not important. lets not discuss this. lets discuss about life. The other day, he asked me what is the meaning of truth? and yeah, I was thinking about it the whole night. Bravo sir. You made me think. He kept on rambling that he knows the direction of the truth though he may not know what the truth really is and all of us are not in the direction of truth. Somehow, his eyes are trained on me when the "truth" subject came up. He talks a lot about being true. Whatever that means to him. I want to tell him that truth is what one perceives to be real.

I would like to explain it in the term of religion since he brought up religion a gazillion times. Not that I resented it but y'know I am attending clinical postings here not comparative religion studies. I would like to tell him that I believe my religion is the truth and my religion is what I perceived to be real. But in this case, he will not see my religion is the truth since well, he does not perceive it to be real. I will lay down facts on why I think my religion is the truth and so will he. But we will not believe each other even if the other party is true anyway since we are firm in our belief system because we believe what we want to believe i.e our religion is the truth. In the end, there is no clear cut definition to what truth really defines. But well, he never lets anyone speak anyway. Or if someone did, he'll just say we are bullshitting him.

I also managed to get daily teachings of Hinduism from him but he never really let me intercept him with my poor knowledge of Islam. I don't really mind to get extra knowledge on religions. But it just bugged me to take a case which never really got discussed. Yet we stood there for hours to hear him ramble about music kills your soul as the demons get into you through your ear buds. At the end of the day, we just smile and nod. Are you lazy? Yes we are. Am I mad? Yes you are*nods enthusiastically*

On a bright side, he is a funny guy. We laughed a lot in his class because he is sarcastic like hell and smiled his creepy smile after scolding people for no reasons. We ended up confused whether to take him seriously or not. And he keeps on calling us buggers. What really came into my mind is booger.

and with that, I am out.

Hello.

“The decision to be positive is not one that disregards or belittles sadness that exists. It is rather a conscious choice to focus on the good and to cultivate happiness, genuine happiness. Happiness is not a limited resource. When we devote our energy and time to trivial matters and choose to stress over things that ultimately are insignificant, from that point, we perpetuate our own sadness and lose sight of the things that really make us happy and rationalize our way out of doing amazing things.” - Christopher Aiff

Need to be happy more and be less stressed over everything. Well, I am a happy camper today. I just hope to continuously be one as many days to come. 

frittata is a fancy name for omelette

I am getting old. My muscles are sore. LOL. That's what you get for running with no proper training. Last time, all I did was walking and finished majestically in the last place. This year, I am determined to run, no need to disclose which place I got but for sure it's better than the last time. Wahaha. Man, I am ashamed if I run with my dad. He runs better and faster and further. Maybe I should take up running but it is just impossible to wake up early and run.  Next year, if there is anything that will involve running, I will make sure to sit out as checkpoint lady.

Medicine is so discouraging nowadays. I am discouraged. I don't know.

I have exam again. I wish I could do something more productive and challenging aside from sitting with a book in front of me. Weather is not helping. Looking forward to go back and see the family. Itupun few months from now, I hope.

New hospital is going to be launched soon. To prove a point when I say this hospital is freaking huge. I got lost the other day trying to explore. on top of that, no cell phone coverage. WTH? Luckily I went with some friends. Anyway, the president is coming. We are not invited since admission with cards only. and no phone no handbag no umbrella is allowed in. Fancy that. But whatever. Monday is holiday. Yippee.

p/s: I read MOfrust's blog, I think though it is sometimes depressing but it can be quite entertaining on a different note. But if you read Pagalavan, he will just leave you depressed and worried. Heh.

Life update. Meh.

September is coming O.O

Anyway this month I was having way too much wedding invitations and birth announcements. Not really shocking or anything. I know that I have reached "that age" but I'm just annoyed because I have passed up way tooo many chances and occasions to be with my friends. One of them already gave birth to a second child. Blergh.

Well, I think I need to update more often but because life here is too dull, there is nothing much I can say. I do update occasionally on Tumblr though but my sister said reblogging moving pictures does not consider as blogging. Whatever ok. Apart from going back home for Eid, in which I did not plan AT ALL.. seriously, I have already prepared myself mentally for celebrating Eid here.. but my family did not believe me and insisted that I will somehow in the eve of Raya will miraculously be on the flight home.I guess their prayers were answered. Thank you so much JSS for the 5 day holidays. We performed eid prayers in KLIA like some expats who didn't have any kampung to go back to.Then we headed to KL. My nenek stays in KL. So much for balik kampung. And I gobbled up so many food. Yeah, home is a happy place. Good food, good company, good atmosphere.

I am done with internals and recently my surgery end posting exam. My unit teachers are all darlings. I mean only two of them but enough to compensate the other two very very much. Coincidentally their names literally mean honey. *cough*cough* But I am just glad another posting is coming. God, how to stand 3 months + in the same posting? Surgery was OK but for now, I think I have enough of ulcers, varicose veins and hernia to look forward to. Somehow I am dreading to enter my final term as a final year student. Miserable ok bila cikgu tanya tak boleh jawab pura-pura pandang siling, pandang lantai. HAHAH

Rupee has gone down again. Time for shopping. Weeeee

obligatory family free style shot without baju raya tho and too masam since the day was hot and dad insisted on having a garden view. few greens here and there is considered as garden in dad's dictionary. 

hobbitsesss

1. Galadriel: Mithrandir... Why the hafling? 

1. Gandalf: Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? I don't know. Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.

In other words, the shorties give other people courage with kindness and love. Bahahahahaha.

Here comes another anticipated monday.

Ramadhannnnnnnnnnnnnn

Ramadhannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*and syawal* eh eh.


is a lot easier this year because it is rainy season. The only thing I don't like is having classes on Saturday evenings which means no long evening naps..no more. no more.

Have a blessed month ebribadeh.

Still breathing.

Hi Hi..

I am still, well.. alive and kicking. Barely a month coming back from home but I am missing my family terribly. What's more with no holidays this month and the following month seem to suffocate most of us.. me at the very least.. I am in Medicine posting right now. So, I am only seeing old patients most of the time. Lovely old cooperative patients are nice to be with and I can't help it but to say thanks at the end when they are being super nice to us, the students.. by understanding the predicament we are in. Ye lah. We are not pros. Books are always our companions during postings. Memang la pacik macik takkan percaya us to handle them. Lols.

That is all. Thank you.

Bye-bye

I like my bed

Nearing the end of May

Man on Man.

I think I need my daily affirmation too.

my people.

I am definitely disappointed by some people who still thinks race is everything. Islam teaches us all races are equal. Is that not enough? Islam teaches us that the luck of our own races is not going to change if we don't change ourselves. Why we are so easily being manipulated into thinking like this? Why why why?

Allah reminds us in Quran Al Hujurat; 13

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُمْ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنْثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ

O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)

Is this not enough not to play with racial sentiment if you really do believe in your religion? To me, my religion comes first.

But in the end, I believe Allah knows best.

bye2 paeds.dont understand why people call this dept pedo.sounds wrong.

Rarely a facebook status caught my attention. But one did today. 

This is what it said roughly..

Don't complain too much if I keep on updating my status about the general election. Since it's a thing that comes once in five years. In which it will decide our future. 

I didn't complain about your statuses of food, kpop and football all year round, did I? 

To those people I say, Padaaaan!!

Honestly, I like going to facebook for current updates of what's going on with the world. Reading people's reaction and opinions of what's going on is healthy because you've got to know two sides of opinions usually. I would rather read these things on facebook rather than those aimless statuses of what  people are having for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have Instagram for that, thank you.

Anyway, Paeds are over. Time for Ortho.*waving sadly to Paeds department*

Tough day.

I saw a 10-year-old kid with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy today and my heart just broke. The reaction from the mother when she's being told there's no cure for her little boy was heart-breaking.I saw her eyes red and the tears she was trying to hold, not wanting her boy to see that she was sad. Then, she put on a brave smile and thanked the doctor who was seeing her kid. That was more heartbreaking than a korean drama ever will be.

I saw a 1-year-old kid with microcephaly with global developmental delay, hypertonic cerebral palsy and convulsion, today.. and again my heart just broke. He is small for his age, dozing off on his mother's lap. We measured his head circumference, tried to elicit reflexes but he continued to sleep without any care in the world. Yet the mother, the father and his big sister stood beside us, attentively listening and answering any questions being asked. We pondered on the future this kid will have and we are at loss. 

I don't want to be a doctor and lose my sympathy towards others. I don't want to see a case just because it's  interesting and not taking any lesson learnt from it. I am scared if one day, God forbid,  I lose my ability to empathize and to sympathize just because I am used to it. 

Like when you see a cadaver for the first time, it was such a huge deal. When I first entered the dissection hall, my heart was pounding, my eyes were on fire (because of the formalin, never get used to it. I even took my exam with eyes all watery due to the organs being dipped with excessive formalin) . My first year of medical school, I was seeing cadavers everyday. Even did dissection on them for countless of time. Then it became normal to me. A routine. Sometimes, I did wonder, this person I was dissecting on was once a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother to someone else. (My table's cadaver was a woman, for most of the time). It was tough seeing your table mate slapping your cadaver's behind and went off laughing. 

Anyhooooo, good night!

My new favourite.

Have you ever experienced through out your life, when you are about to do something, that you know it is wrong deep down inside, however strong you tried to deny it, then came this feeling, or something else came up, and prevented you from doing the bad deed?

Ali Imran

And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allah upon you - when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became, by His favor, brothers. And you were on the edge of a pit of the Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be guided.

Chosen without method i.e random.

I was on a shopping spree the other day. Online. Buying what else but books. The thing about India that I am going to miss most will be the dirt cheap books. Buying online is much much easier and cheaper and I will always get some free gifts with the books. Either quirky bookmarks or hideous pens or even weird mug coasters telling people they are sweet like jalebi. Jalebi is this I want to try this, before I leave India for good. I almost tried it once but my Indian friend stopped me saying it will not be good unless it is crispy and looking from that jalebis, we were pretty sure it was not. Gulab Jamun, for me, is a big NO.

If you want to get bookmarks, I suggest buy from flipkart. They have awesome customer service too. There was this one time, I was just hovering unsure of whether to buy this book or not, then a call came. I picked up (usually I don't if it's from an unknown number but when I have the feeling it is important, I will. and usually being anak ramalan, never disappoint.) and this person was asking me whether I have any problem with the website or anything. I was like No i was just trying to make up my mind whether to buy or not. And he was like, ok ma'am. Let me know if any problem comes up.

If you want hedious but none the less functional pens, go to homeshop18. You will get free coasters too. I am still using all the free gifts that I accumulated through time. If you want the cheapest book around..online.. go here and compare prices but you need to know what title you wanna buy though. No browsing thank you.

Anyway, I shifted to Paediatrics this week. Almost a week has gone, I just have to say, that me and my mates think we have never feel loved like this before. Being in my previous unit, you can just feel the eagerness to slap our faces from the Professor. Plus we are all girls. Almost everyone in the department loath   any human in resemblance of a woman. It's true. We have been discussing this topic in depth like thousands of time. We strongly feel, since they are meeting females almost everyday, it gets boring you know. Hence somehow, the existence of any sex but female provides some comfort and excitement to them. if you wanna know, usually guys are treated better in this department. 

But in paeds, you can just feel the love exuding from everyone in the entire department regardless of the gender. Never heard any scoldings, saw anyone pulling off faces or anything of that sort..yet.. Rounds are cheery occasions. People are smiling and laughing. Even the wards are drab looking and we felt sorry for the children, but the doctors are not. and that is most important.

overload.

"Take a bullet twuuu my bwaain!"
This is like the most adorable thing I have seen for such a long time..

Looking forward for Paeds postings and leaving OBG behind! Weeeee

optimistic

Honestly speaking, I was so happy to hear all my seniors passed their final year exam. It felt like there was this small ray of hope for me. Like a motivation. I can do this. Just another year to endure. Just another year with exams.

One more year.
One freaking year.

of labours and babies again.

I am just glad I am able to sleep on my own bed last two nights. My quota of witnessing 10 c-section and 10 normal vaginal deliveries had been fulfilled. I had my own two miserable weeks, waiting for deliveries. I had my fair shares of witnessing interesting cases and finishing it off with a bang also. The last labor I witnessed, the baby was literally popping out of the vagina. I don't know whether it was just my bad luck or what, but the amnion liqour splashed all over face and my apron (white coat). Thank God I had my specs on and I was not opening my mouth in awe or anything. It smelled really bad afterwards. Something like a rotten egg I think.

A fetus of 20+ weeks old. 

For some reason, vaginal deliveries were not that easy to witness. When you thought it is normal, it should be in abundance but it seemed not to me. And my fellow friends agreed to that too. It made you treasure every single labour you witnessed. But anyway, I am just glad it happened.

This past two weeks taught me about a lot of things. Like this is the path that I chose. Like I cannot afford to second guess myself. Like am I really going to do this. I think it made me realized more of what I want to do and what kind of doctor I want to be later in life. Not career wise but personality wise. My sister told me, this will be what internship like. You are in the hospital round the clock and you have time to barely even manage yourself. My situation was a bit different though since I have classes from 8am till 4pm. I dozed off  a couple of times during classes. Heh.

Never the less, this taught me to be independent. To treat everyone nicely and equally. To be positive. To have my utmost dependency to Allah. To have kind thoughts to Allah that he never abandon me in whatever condition I am in. I don't know how to tell you the helplessness I felt that day when no case came in. Good news came to me amidst all that chaos was my exam result. I finally made it to the final year officially which was like a huge relief. Now only passing the final year exam is the only thing I need to think about. Aside from learning to ask and understand Kannada too.

I need to master the basics at least.

Anyway,

I am holding on to this saying "Everyday may not be good, but there is something good everyday" It will only depend on how I am looking at it.

Toodles everybody.

Final year. I am scared. I don't know much. Help.

Technically speaking, this week may not be the best start for my final year. I am tired from lack of sleep, emotionally drained, and simply exhausted. I decided to take a day off today to help unwind myself.

Since Monday, I have been doing night postings in the hospital. Once I finished my classes in the college, I will head home and freshen up. Cleaned myself, have a proper dinner and got some rest. At 7 or so, I will head off to the hospital and camped up in the O&G department. I don't know which part I dread the most. Spending time alone in the hospital or having to spend my time in that condition of a hospital. I think most probably the latter.

The first and second night were horrible. As I have to wait and wait and wait but no case came up and I ended up empty handed the next morning. I was disheartened, disappointed and stressed. By second night at 9pm I had zero case to witness. My frustrations increased more as I saw too many pregnant mothers with big bellies as if ready to pop out babies, happily walking about, not showing any signs they are giving birth soon!

But as the days progressed, I got used to it and more cases being witnessed. I think almost all posted during the night duty, i.e nurses, interns and post grads in the department recognized me already. I loitered around, checking every few hours whether any new admissions will be there, borrowing case sheets, becoming some sort of the help in the OT, you know tying up the OT dresses, giving away gloves. Well I don't mind really. People are generally nice to me since maybe they knew being in the 2nd unit is enough torture to endure after all.

What boggles my mind is, too many expectant mothers yet so few are delivering babies.They have to shift some to Gynae ward instead of the Antenatal ward due to the nonavailability of beds. Come on Indian babies. Come and see the world! Push your way through!

Here's praying to more babies being delivered this week. I have few more cases to be completed. I decided to take a night off today. I need some proper sleep and rest to face few more nights in the hospital. and probably some scoldings from my head of unit since I did not manage to complete my record in a week's time. Not my fault. Well... yes, it is my fault for not returning soon but it will be much help if you induced them to deliver when they are in 40weeks+ of gestation. I suspect they are saving cases for final year exams last week.

Oh well.

May Allah ease!

Obviously the Mayans are wrong.

For quite a few years now, I have spent my New Year  in India. Well, I don't really celebrate by going out partying or whatever it is that people do back home. So, I guess it is more or less the same what happen now and then. I really need to write badly just to get something out from my system.

There are so many things to be done once I finish my exam. Well I hope this new year I will no longer procrastinate to do things.

One of the many things I want to do is watching Omar Series in Youtube. I am forever stuck at episode 8. Since it is in Arabic, I cannot like watch it while doing something else. I have to give my full attention so that I can read the subtitles below. Sometimes I do regret of not learning Arabic properly.

Ok one new year goal to do is to learn because I want to learn. Not because of exam. So is attending classes and postings. I guess that is why there are tonnes of reminders telling us to tajdid our niat. To renew our intentions.

Anyhoo

Happy New Year everyone. Entering into year number 23. Phew. and I have exam in 7 days. Pray for me!